Finished packing and now considering possible outcomes of adventure

On Thursday I finished off my last bit of advance packing, although I do keep eating the snacks I plan to include, and except for a wheelchair and an eyelash comb I have everything I need to take.  My willingness to go depends on maintaining an attitude of unreality towards the event, and so far I’m cheerful – “I am looking forward to the whole enterprise, actually,” I told the neurologist, “sort of like how Meursault looked forward to the guillotine.” Before it becomes more real, and before my talk with the CFS which may alter my understanding, I will list for you my own view of the possible outcomes from worst to best. (Numbers in brackets are the estimated order of likelihood at the time of writing… which is February 2nd, Groundhog Day.)

1. No change (no deterioration and no useful information gleaned)  (2)

2. Severe deterioration and no useful information gleaned – this would at least prove my father wrong.  (I  think he thinks my that tiredness consists of lethargy/enervation/limpness and that I can do things if I really put my mind to them.  Not going to go into that now.)  (1)

3. Useful information gleaned but no effective treatment possible.  (4)

4. It would be only slightly less onerous if suggestive information were gleaned and led to unproven treatment ideas, because hope is a consumable, if renewable, resource, and I’ve been chasing these pissing shadows for over a decade now. (3)

5. Death (5 or 6)

6. Useful information gleaned leading to effective treatment and significant improvement (5 or 6)

7. Finding a benign but wonderfully culpable tumour, whipping it out, and rainbows shine and bunnies hop and the forest* all rejoices. (7)

We’ll see what my appointment with Dr.B does to these predictions. Or rather I’ll see, and if I have the energy I’ll type it out for you. (I’m following the Charlie Brooker school of audience engagement here.)

* In Cloud Cuckoo Land


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